Would you like some moth larvea with your Apple Jacks?

The first week of law school, almost everyone who is anyone gives you "the talk." This talk basically lets you know that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong - and usually right around the time a huge project is due or finals are rolling around. Going by that theory, I figured the week of the bar exam would be pretty bad, with plenty of things going wrong. Nothing prepared me for the first week of bar prep - and if it is any indication on how this summer is going to go - someone get me out NOW.

Because I need to vent, here's what happened this week alone:

1. I backed my new camaro into a vehicle that was driving behind me while I was backing out of a parking space. No one was hurt, thank goodness! But dealing with insurance and trying to figure out how to rent a car when I am not yet 25 so that I can get my car fixed has been fun!

2. Billa's eye went from bad to worse and she had surgery on Tuesday. This also meant going to the vet on Monday, twice on Tuesday, and lots of sleep being lost to a poor crying puppy whose eye just freaking hurts.

3. I take medicine to control the pain from one of my health problems. I called to have this medicine refilled on Monday. I called to remind them to refill it on Thursday and twice on Friday. Despite this, I ended up not having medicine going into the weekend. (this issue was thankfully resolved in time for it not to be too much of a problem)

4. When I adopted Tug last year, he had a terrible skin condition. This week, likely triggered by seasonal allergies, this condition returned, which means more fun visits to the vet, and a puppy who can't stop scratching his skin - to the point of scratching it off entirely and bleeding everywhere.

5. Someone knocked on my door at 1:30am a few nights ago. Instead of answering it (who does that?) I loaded my gun and hid under the covers. Don't judge me. I still don't know who stopped by in the middle of the night.

6. This morning I woke up, planning on visiting a new church. But I was hungry so I went to get a bowl of cereal. When I opened the box, I noticed some small worms inside the box. Upon further inspection of my pantry, it came to light that my entire pantry had been infested with moths that decided to lay their eggs in my food, which meant there were baby larvae crawling all over everything and making little homes to turn into moths in. Basically this whole situation just gives me the heebie jeebies and makes me want to crawl under the covers and hide (yes, I realize I should probably grow up and learn to act my age at some point). So, that took a good 5 hour chunk out of my day to sort through, clean out, and throw away everything that was ruined - and then head to Walmart to get a nice bug bomb to kill those shitty nasty little bastards.

In addition to the above problems, this was the first week of bar prep - which meant lots of studying, headaches, and the painful realization that I learned very little in law school. Likely I actually learned a lot, just not a lot that is tested on the bar, or I haven't remembered that I learned it yet. Either way, this week was rough and I have a lot of work to do going forward - both in life and in the study of law. 

Sometimes things don't work out

I have put off writing this post, because it is never easy to admit that something you want to work out is not the best thing for you.

I was disqualified last week from being a potential donor for Michelle. Basically, after reviewing all my OBGYN records, the doctors at the donor clinic told me that in order to go forward I would need to be okay with and waive any and all potential pregnancy problems. I would have had to sign something saying I was okay with not having kids, having kids with disabilities, and having multiple miscarriages. This was all because I am already a high-risk for potential pregnancy issues, so donating a kidney would inflate that risk even more.

This was a very difficult decision to make, especially since it wasn't like the doctor said that I was medically unfit to donate - I just wanted something to be medically possible later on and knowing that, I had to withdraw my application as a donor candidate.

While I really struggled through this decision - I am confident in the reality that sometimes things just don't work out - and that's okay. Because even when things don't work out, there is a bigger plan, a bigger picture at work, and there is a reason for everything that happens.

Situation Evaluation

If you are new to the kidney donation situation - start reading here and work your way up from there. :)

First, I want to start this post off with a warning - if you are uncomfortable with reading about medical procedures, bodily functions, or just personal information about me in general, you should probably skip this post altogether. That being said, I want to share my experience over the past few days as I was evaluated to be a kidney donor for my Aunt Michelle. 

I need coffee!

 So Monday morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed, I set off from Fort Worth at 6:30 in the morning for UT Southwestern in Dallas. Its about 45 miles away, but traffic in DFW is sometimes unpredictable, so I wanted to give myself plenty of time to make it to my 8am appointment. My first appointment was for lab work and X-rays, so I wasn't able to eat or drink anything and I wasn't able to go to the bathroom until I got to the hospital. For those who know me, I am not the most pleasant person without my Venti Caramel Macchiatto from Starbucks in the morning. I am also a fairly normal human being (in my opinion) and like to empty my bladder first thing when I get out of bed. Nevertheless, I was able to make it all the way to the hospital without falling asleep, having a rage blackout on anyone in traffic, or wetting the beautiful interior of my car.

Now, I am not the most fond person of waking up early (I far prefer staying up late than getting up early), but I truly love watching the sun rise. And being up and on the road at 6:30 - I got to experience an amazing sun rise! What a perfect way to start the long day!

Sunrise over traffic (very unsafe to click pictures while driving, I am aware, but I'm only going 17mph!)

I got to the hospital a little early, but only had to wait about 10 minutes before I was taken back for my chest X-ray. The male technician awkwardly asked me if I was wearing a bra (um, duh?) and then made me change into a gown for the X-ray. After that, I got to change back into my normal, supportive, clothing, and waited for blood work. At this point I decided to text Michelle and tell her how full my bladder was, just in time for the lab tech to come get me for my blood work. 

Now, it should be pointed out that I am not the best blood giver in the world - I have good veins, they just like to hide sometimes or just not give anything. So, I am typically and understandably a little nervous about giving blood. The lab technician had a printed-off list of labels about 2 feet long in her hand, which had labels about an inch thick all the way down it. So I figured from the looks of it, and her comment "DANG GIRL, WE ARE TAKING A LOT OF BLOOD FROM YOU" that I was about to have a whole lot of fun. Then, to make things even better, she handed me the urinalysis cup and said that she would get organized to draw the blood while I gave my urine sample. Of course, she had freaked me out with her ridiculous list of blood tests, and there was no way my nervous bladder was cooperating. So I sat like a child, waiting for her to take my blood instead. 

Not too bad - considering the last person who took my blood left a bruise the size of a golf ball.

 Instead of "a lot of blood" she took 6 viles. I have no idea what the other labels were for, but that is not a lot of blood to me. Easy as pie. Since my restrictions on eating and drinking were primarily for the blood work, she gave me some water, I was able to take care of the aforementioned bladder emptying, and I was on my way to my next test. 

I next headed up to the 6th floor of the hospital for my EKG. I checked in, and then sat around in a room full of people wearing masks which made my heart hurt because they all looked at me like I was clearly healthy and therefore out of place. I waited for over an hour, and then finally got taken back for the EKG. Which took all of 10 seconds. And was totally normal. 

Normal EKG :)

 So on I went to the 7th floor, where I would spend the rest of the day. I got to meet my donor coordinator, Sandy, who I had talked to several times on the phone, as well as my nephrologist and a social worker. 

Sandy led me through the entire donation process, as well as the risks, benefits, surgery day, healing process, and then answered my list of questions. 

As part of my orientation with Sandy I got to watch a movie...

 The nephrologist was a different ball game. Even though I had submitted a 10 page application with complete medical history, and even though they had gathered all of my medical records from all of my doctors, he talked with me about each and every medical condition I have ever experienced, including the possible effects they might have on kidney donation as well as the effect kidney donation could have on each of my health problems that are still present. This was an overwhelming session, but I was so glad for all the information. At the end of our conversation, he informed me that all my lab work from earlier in the day was looking very good - and pending the committee review of my file, he saw no reason to require further testing. This for me, was a huge relief. Because of my previous Crohn's diagnosis, I was very worried they were going to require me to have an updated colonoscopy which is about as fun as eating slugs. Probably less fun, actually.

overwhelmed, but still trucking!

By this point, I was in dire need of a break, and it was time for lunch - which Michelle was kind enough to drive up to the hospital and join me for! We got some sandwiches in the hospital deli, and then sat and talked about our day - and the fact that at this point in the day, many of her previous donor candidates had already been disqualified. By the time we both looked up, it was already time for me to head by up for my meeting with the social worker. We always get carried away and lose track of time. 

Michelle and I at lunch :)

 My visit with the social worker was awkward, but I can understand the importance of that step in this process. That being said, it is strange to talk to someone you have known for 5 minutes about intimate details of your life. For those who don't know me, I have a sarcastic streak in me (more than a streak, some would say) and I have a tendency to respond sarcastically to questions that I think are not very intelligent or just because I feel like giving someone a hard time. It was all I could do to hold my sarcasm at bay talking to the social worker about how I am not crazy, not on drugs, not being paid for my organ, etc. I realize these are legit concerns. But for me, knowing myself and the situation, these questions were obviously unnecessary and I struggled to keep a straight face. 

My very medical view from where I sat all day...

 After I met with the social worker, I talked to Sandy one more time, who said that everything was looking very promising and she thought it would be wise to go ahead and start looking at possible days to do the next set of tests, as well as look at possible surgery dates (because I am on such a strict schedule with law school, finals, graduation, and then bar exam prep). So with that in mind, we called it a day. 

I thought this was a cool picture - my tattoo says "love" and this is my medical information bracelet

The next day after work, I headed back to the hospital to meet with the surgeon, the only part of the first step of testing that they were unable to schedule on Monday. Mind you, this was the day that all the tornadoes came through DFW, and I got to the hospital just in time to put my car in the parking garage and head in before the weather got bad. Right before my appointment, we were evacuated to the lobby due to a tornado warning. In the lobby, I was then told to go back upstairs and that the doctor was there and ready to meet with me so that we wouldn't have to reschedule. So, I was able to meet with him for a good hour without any weather interruptions as we were being thunderstorm cells.

As I was getting ready to leave the lobby of the hospital and head home for the day, I was very abruptly herded down a hallway and told we were under a "code black" and that everyone was being directed to the hospital's shelters. I spent about an hour in the hallway, waiting for the bad weather to pass. Finally, I was able to leave and head home. 

Tornado Drill! Waiting in the hallway with all the other hospital people for the tornadoes to pass

 At the end of my appointment on Tuesday, Sandy again told me that things are looking very positive - and Michelle has been told as much from her doctors as well. I have a few more hurdles before everything is a for-sure go. First, I have a CT Scan with contrast on Thursday Morning. I have a 24 monitoring test over the weekend at some point. Finally, I have a meeting with an outside donor advocate (psychological evaluation) on Tuesday of next week. Additionally, Michelle now has to go through several tests to ensure she is also in prime condition for the transplant - which after my Monday, I know can't be any fun!

On Thursday morning, Sandy will present me to the donor committee, and Michelle's doctors will present her as the recipient. The donor committee will then either approve or deny our match, or decide they want to see more testing of one kind or another. 

Right now, we have a tentative surgery date of May 8. I will have to move a final around - as well as the possibility that I won't be well enough to walk the stage at graduation on the 12th. Additionally, I have to stop taking birth control for the next month before the surgery - which I haven't been off in 9 years, so I have no idea how my body and mind will react to those hormonal changes. However, I can't express how excited and thrilled I am that we are moving forward! I have felt more at peace throughout this entire process than ever before in my life - and I know that is only because of the grace of God and the many people praying for both Michelle and I through this journey. Keep the thoughts and prayers coming - we are both going to need them in the coming weeks! :)

Moving Forward!

GREAT NEWS!

I heard from my Donor Coordinator this morning. She informed me that I have been cleared through finance and at least the preliminary review of my medical records have okay-ed me through the next step of this exciting process!

Apparently I will be getting a call today or tomorrow to set up a time to go in and meet with my coordinator in person, talk to a counselor, talk to a nephrologist, and meet with the doctors on the donor team to decide what tests need to be run based on my medical history and the transplant process. These meetings will take around 4 hours and can be done all on the same day - which will likely take place sometime next week.

So, as long as they decide I'm not to whacky to take out my kidney, after that meeting I will get all the tests scheduled. Then, obviously, comes the testing (I think that's the only part of the process I am not excited about - only because I know how not fun medical testing is).

So that's where we are at right now - I will update when I know what day the meetings will take place so that people can be praying - as well as once I know what the testing process will look like.

<3 S

I might be a little crazy....

My best friend called me crazy yesterday. I think she might be right, but I'll let you be the judge. Here's what I told her:

"I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I'm not sure if its the dog that sleeps next to me who snores and kicks me and cries because she is sick and in pain, or if it is because I am a little stressed out right now. Either way, I can't sleep. However, when I do sleep, I have crazy dreams.

For example, last night I had a dream that I was in court, arguing against a temporary restraining order for our client. Our client was on the stand, and she was showing all the same symptoms of my sick dog, Billa. Somehow, during my argument, I decided I needed to talk about and consider the ethical considerations of donating my kidney to the client."

And that friends is what happens when you work on a case like crazy, the same week that you decide to donate a kidney to your aunt, while your dog is sicker than hell, all while studying for the attorney ethics exam. Yes, there is a chance a might be a little crazy this week :)

Not my will, but Yours...

Today I am tired, which means I am in a mood. Not a good one, or a bad one, just "a mood."

I couldn't sleep last night, and I'm not sure what it was. Billa is sick, and I'm not sure why she isn't getting better, and it had me uneasy last night - which usually results in me pondering all the things that could be wrong, and then all the things that could go wrong in life in general - and then ends with me repeating "Not my will, but Yours" over and over until I fall asleep. I'm pretty sure I said it over and over about 1000 times last night before I finally fell asleep. I heard JB's phone beep at one point, so I know it was after midnight.

Today I am anxious, because I know I may not hear anything from the hospital for a while, but I also know I might get a phone call at any time, so I am anxious and waiting and patience has never been a strong suit of mine.  

However, I did talk to my donor coordinator on Friday, and she seemed very nice, and said that my application was being processed and they were going ahead with collecting all my medical records in order to determine what tests they would need to do if/when we get to the next step. 

I also talked to my parents, my sister, my brother, and my two best friends, Kim and Kassie, over the weekend. While everyone had their own take on things, my favorite was my friend Kim, who started crying as she told me how amazing she thought it was. It warmed my heart that she supported me so forthrightly.  I truly appreciate everyone's concern and opinions, so I have tried to be as open as possible to everyone sharing how they feel and what their concerns are.

All things work together for good...

About 15 years ago, I was blessed to have a wonderful woman come into my life. She married my uncle, and through him we became family. But more than just family, we became friends. During holidays we would sneak off to the back bedroom to have very serious "girl-talk" and she was always there to listen and give me counsel when I had a problem that I wasn't quite sure how to handle.

While the marriage between her and my uncle did not last, our friendship has remained strong - probably even stronger now that I am no longer a child and we are able to bond as women. Even though we no longer are put together through family holidays, we have still made time over the past years to get together often, and stay in touch online and I still consider her my "Aunt Michelle"

I was always aware that Michelle had some health problems, though growing up I really didn't understand what was going on. Through our adult relationship, I have come to more fully understand her condition. Michelle was diagnosed with end stage renal disease in October 2008 and was advised she needed a kidney transplant.  Her disease is called focal segmental glomerosclerosis, FSG for short. She has been on the transplant list for 3 years, and she has had 21 possible donor candidates denied for one reason or another. This past week she found out her kidney function was at 6% and had reached the end of her possible donor list.

I have always felt such a special and important connection to Michelle, from a very young age. We are kindred spirits. I always assumed in our many conversations that I would never be considered as a potential donor because of my crohn's diagnosis a few years ago and the medical struggles that entails. However, after the update this past week, I wrote her just to make sure that was the case. Michelle called her donor coordinator who said that, in fact, that was not something that would disqualify me.

So, after some heavy thought and prayer, I asked my dad what my blood type was (Michelle is O-). It is crazy, but after a bajillion (it seems) blood tests I've had in my life, no one knows my blood type! But, he did tell me that I was either O+ or B+. (For those unaware, the + or - doesn't matter for kidney donation, so long as you are the same letter). I decided to get my blood typed, to see if it was even possible for me to apply to be a donor for Michelle. So, yesterday, I went and got my blood drawn.

This morning, when I woke up, there was an email from the lab saying my test results had been posted to my online account (gotta love technology). I got really nervous as I logged into my account and opened the test results, but as I read the results - that I am O+ - I got a peaceful feeling all over. Like this was somehow meant to be.

In my prayers before bed last night, I asked God to give me some direction through these test results, both for my sake, and for Michelle's - who has already had to go through 21 donor candidates being denied. So, I asked Him to make my be B+ if this was not part of his plan, so that we would know, and be able to move on if this was not what he wanted.

While there is no real way of knowing at this point what the future holds, I do feel like the fact that Michelle and I are a blood-match tells me everything I need to know. No matter where we go from here, no matter what the other tests will say, getting to this point, and applying to be her donor is all part of a greater plan.

So there it is - I am turning in my application to be a kidney donor for my Aunt Michelle. I would truly appreciate your thoughts and prayers as we start down this incredible journey - I know that there are a million reasons that this might get stopped, and that I might get denied - but I have been praying for her donor for over 2 years now... and I can't believe I might have actually been praying for myself all that time...